


What if?

by trepkos



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Pre-Canon, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2017-10-12 12:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trepkos/pseuds/trepkos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kai thinks Arthur needs a girl ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What if?

**Author's Note:**

> Story is set pre-canon - they are teenagers.
> 
> Thanks to Ideserveyou for beta.

“Oh, come on Arthur – Gwenda made me promise I’d find someone for Rianna, too.”

Arthur kicks a stone. “If Gwenda has to blackmail you, to get a man for this friend of hers …”

“There’s nothing wrong with Rianna! She’s very …” Kai looks anywhere but at Arthur: “…well-liked.” 

Arthur makes a face. “You know how I feel about these things.”

“You’ve told me often enough.” Kai puts on a sing-song voice, almost entirely unlike Arthur’s – “‘I haven’t met the right girl.’”

“Well, I haven’t!” 

No woman has touched him since his mother died. He finds them daunting, and it pains him that Kai, of all people, insists on pushing him towards territory he has no desire to penetrate.

Kai, balancing his axe – head-down – on his palm, moves his hand from side to side, trying to keep the haft standing straight up in the air. “But you have to start somewhere.”

“Why do I have to?” Arthur says flatly.

“Because if you get some practice with the _wrong_ girl –” Kai leers; the axe topples, and he catches it deftly – “then when the _right_ girl comes along, you’ll be ready for her.” He stands, shifting from foot to foot, looking hopefully at Arthur.

Kai’s appetite for liaisons with the ‘wrong girl’ seems boundless. Arthur himself is not without feeling. He has taken solitary relief in the privacy of the store sheds; in the woods, or in the hiding place by the river. But the only hand he can imagine touching him, that’s not his own, is one that never will.

“Arthur …” Kai says, in a wheedling tone.

He should feel flattered that Kai wants to include him in his adventures … and he doesn’t want to let Kai down. 

“Alright then.” Arthur sighs. “But what do I have to do?”

Kai rolls his eyes. “You really have no idea?”

Arthur feels a blush come to his face. “I …”

“Perhaps I should demonstrate.” Kai sticks his tongue out.

Wondering what Kai can mean, Arthur feels sweat break out all over him; his heart begins to hammer, as he mumbles, “Very well.” 

Kai’s manner changes: suddenly predatory. “You mustn’t be too shy. Go right up to her.” He advances in a feline slouch, stopping just short of Arthur. “Take her in your arms.” Kai grabs the imagined girl who stands between them, wrapping a possessive hand around her phantom waist.

“Then you kiss her.” Kai mimes the actions, his jaw working, his lips making unfamiliar shapes, and Arthur fills the space encircled by Kai’s arms, with his own self. 

But only in his mind.

“It’s like cooking meat,” Kai says. “You wait until the juices start to flow –” He casts a lewd glance downwards. “Then, when she’s braising nicely, you slide your hand under her tunic. Tease her nipples –”

Kai’s thumb rubs and flicks at the imaginary teats, and Arthur, mesmerised, feels his own nipples stiffen, and something else as well. He turns away so Kai won’t see, and wraps his arms around himself.

“I cannot do this, Kai.”

Kai pulls him back, to face him. “Arthur?” He blinks. “You need a woman more than I do.”

Arthur nods curtly. “Perhaps you’re right.”

Kai slaps him on the back. “Not long now, Little Brother.”

Arthur closes his eyes, and repeats, “Not long now.”

~~

Arthur’s girl, Rianna … well, she’s pretty enough … he supposes … only a little older than himself, but much more forward. She takes his hand, and leads him to one of the empty huts reserved for guests. 

Heart in his throat, he follows her; he has no choice. And as he steps inside, the heat of the midsummer night descends upon him like a blanket; he can hardly breathe. The stink of goat fills his nostrils, and the crickets’ calls seem deafeningly loud.

Yet not loud enough to mask the noise from the next hut, of Kai and Gwenda’s love-making: already well advanced. Kai’s sounds of pleasure tie Arthur’s guts in knots. He pictures himself rushing in, and tearing them from each other’s arms. 

But Kai would never speak to him again.

In the light of the full moon, streaming through the doorway, Arthur can see Rianna’s teeth shining as she approaches him. There’s no escape. She puts her arms around his neck, pressing ample bosom against his chest. 

He feels nothing but revulsion for her soft curves. The last thing he wants to do is touch them. Still, because he must, he closes his eyes, and lets her lips bump against his. It’s not really a kiss.

Rianna gives a short, embarrassed laugh, then tries again. 

This time, she parts her lips, pushing her tongue into his mouth. He thinks he might be sick, and when – at last – she lets him go, he wipes the back of his hand across his mouth.

She glares at him, slaps his face and flounces out.

As Arthur stands there, helpless, he hears her interrupting Kai and Gwenda – much to their annoyance – and insisting that Kai takes her home. Arthur feels faint; he sits down on the bed – it’s that, or fall down – and hides his face in this hands.

Then Kai, still struggling into his breeches, storms into the hut. “What is wrong with you?”

Arthur looks up. 

Kai’s manner straightway softens; he sits beside him on the bed, and lays a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, Little Brother?”

“Don’t call me that!” Arthur chokes out. He shrugs Kai’s hand away.

Kai huffs, and stands up. “If you didn’t like Rianna –”

“There’s nothing wrong with her,” Arthur says through clenched teeth.

“– you could have had Gwenda.” 

“Leave me alone.”

Kai pulls his cloak around him. “I was only trying to help you.”

“Well, don’t.”

“Alright. I’ll take the girls home.” 

“You do that.”

Kai grins. “I can probably handle two of them.”

Arthur tries hard, to smile. “I’m sure you can.”

When Kai has gone, he curls up around the pain, and weeps, making no sound.

~~

Arthur spends the next few days trying to ignore the looks people keep giving him. 

Then he comes upon Kai, straddling a young man called Trevonn, punching him in the face, and yelling, “Don’t … let me … hear you … say … that!”

Arthur grabs Kai’s arm, and drags him off. “Kai! What are you doing?”

Trevonn scrambles to his feet, and backs away, rubbing his cheek, and as he stares at them, a strange smile curls his bloody, swollen lips. Then he just turns and saunters off.

Kai pulls his arm from Arthur’s grip. “That’s Gwenda’s brother.” He glares after the departing miscreant, and shouts, “He’s been spreading lies about you.”

“What lies?”

“He said …” – now Kai lowers his voice. “He said you were one of those who lies with other men.”

And even though he knew – deep down – what Kai was going to say, Arthur feels the ground drop from beneath him. He closes his eyes, and takes a breath that wracks his whole body.

Kai shifts his stance, and pulls his tunic straight. “I thought I’d better nip _that_ one in the bud.”

“What does it matter?” Arthur says bleakly. “What does it matter what he thinks, or what he says?”

No one deserves a beating from Kai, for speaking the truth – even if that truth can only ever exist in Arthur’s own mind.

Kai frowns. “It matters. If _that_ gets around, we’ll never find you another girl.”

“What if I don’t want one?” Arthur says, then, in a small voice, adds: “What if it were true?”

Kai stares at him. “What?”

“What if it were true?” Arthur can hardly breathe; can barely force the words out. “What if I wanted … What would _you_ think of me?”

“What does it matter? You are not …”

For a naked moment, Arthur forces himself to meet Kai’s gaze.

“Arthur?”

Arthur feels his face begin to crumple; turns away; feels Kai’s hands on his shoulders, turning him around, but keeps his head down; can’t look at Kai’s face – not any more. Kai must surely feel his shoulders shaking.

Kai gently releases him, but when he sways on his feet, Kai’s hand steadies him again.

At least Kai can still touch him.

“Arthur, is it …?”

Arthur nods. His eyes sting.

Kai’s voice seems to come from very far away, when he says, “I like women, Arthur – you know that.”

He swallows. “Yes. I know.”

He hears Kai sniff; then he hears footsteps; then he is alone. 

~~

A few days pass.

Kai pretends nothing has altered – but it has.

He sees a not-so-hidden meaning in everything Arthur says or does: an offer of food or drink; a sigh; a hand laid on him, just like always, but now quickly withdrawn. He sees the longing in Arthur’s eyes, and wonders ...

Since they left boyhood behind, he has had … thoughts. He has hoped Arthur will admire some new garment, or perhaps a new trick with a weapon he has learned; he has worried that his best friend and brother thinks him a fool, and tried hard – perhaps too hard – to impress.

He has dismissed these idle fancies: barely noticed them.

Now he calls them back, and looks at them with new eyes.

Arthur is like himself, a man – or soon will be. Though they are both still green, one day, they will be great warriors. He wonders what it would be like to kiss another man: someone in every way his equal; how it would be to go with someone who wants _him_ as much as he wants them – someone who doesn’t have to be cajoled, and persuaded, and lied to.

He likes girls well enough, but Arthur is everything to him; closer than his own skin – his whole world. It hurts him to see Arthur in distress, when it lies within his power to supply the remedy, if he so chooses.

But now he’s come to some kind of resolution, Arthur seems to be avoiding him. Days pass, Kai’s tension mounts.

Until, at last, one night when Llud has gone to bed, Kai finds Arthur alone in the longhouse. He stands in the doorway, watching Arthur making marks on the table with his dagger.

Arthur looks up, sees him, and gets to his feet, as if to leave.

“Don’t go,” Kai says. “Share a drink with me – like it was before.”

Arthur sits down.

Kai feels his wary gaze upon him, as he pours two mugs of mead.

Taking a seat beside Arthur – not too close; not as close as is his custom, nor as close as he would like – he pushes a mug towards him.

Arthur takes it, but still avoids his gaze. They both drink their mugs down. 

As Kai gets up to pour some more, he says, “I have broken it off with Gwenda.”

Arthur’s head snaps up, hope shining in his eyes – but then he quickly looks away. In a dry croak, he asks, “Why … why did you do that?” 

Kai feels his own throat tighten. “Can’t you guess?” He slides along the bench, to sit closer to Arthur. 

Arthur’s mouth twists. He stares into his mug as if the secret to eternal life might lie therein. “Please, Kai, do not make sport with me.”

Nothing could have been further from Kai’s mind. His eyes drink in the sight of Arthur’s mane, so black, so glossy, it is almost blue; his soft, petulant lips; his hands, so expert whether with a horse or with a weapon, but not schooled in the ways of love. Not yet …

Kai swallows. “I was not making sport.”

“You desire women.” Arthur pins him with his smouldering ice-blue eyes. “You said so.” 

He did; but Arthur looks as beautiful to Kai as any woman, ever, though he knows better than to say so.

Arthur slams his mug down on the table with grim finality. “I am no woman.”

“I don’t care,” Kai says. Then he takes that perfect mouth.

Arthur gasps, and kisses back, then pushes him away. His eyes spark, ready to blaze with sudden anger. He still thinks Kai is trying to make a fool of him; laughing at him. 

But Kai isn’t laughing.

Now, Arthur’s face lights up with joy. He stands, and draws Kai to his feet, kissing him again; pushing his back against the wall, climbing him like a cat – his eagerness alone, enough to make Kai hard.

Arthur releases his mouth just long enough to glance downwards, and smile.

Kai grins back.

He likes girls alright.

But he likes Arthur more. 

~~

I can’t believe it … that Kai – my brother; my friend – is doing this for me. Of course, this will be the only time. He never stays with one girl for long, even one he likes. Why should he treat me any differently? This is a favour to me, nothing more; he’s lowering himself, because he feels sorry for me.

It should taste bitter in my mouth, and if I were a man, I would refuse him – tell him I don’t want his charity. But I _do_ want it: a precious moment, that will never come again, but one that I will hold in my heart, until the day I die.

And so I give myself up to him completely – wrapping my legs around his waist. I feel his hands beneath me as he carries me to the bench. He sets me down, and says, “Let’s see if we can get these clothes off you.”

I bite my lip as he strips me. I have to look away, but I feel his gaze upon me, and his kiss upon my chest, and then his hand …

His hand is on my …

Oh no … He has barely touched me, but I’m already spilling over his fingers. I choke back a sob, as he eases me through it: my heart breaking that it should be over so soon. 

And now it _is_ over.

I roll off the bench, and away, muttering, “I’m sorry.” Snatching up my boots and breeches.

Kai grabs my arm. “What? Where are you going?”

“Look what I’ve done.”

I came over his fist, at his first touch; must I sound like a little idiot too?

Kai frowns. “What are you worried about?”

“What must you think of me?”

“I love you,” Kai says simply. He blinks, as if he has surprised himself by saying it – as much as he has surprised me.

I gawp like a simpleton. “You …?”

I can’t get my breath. I stand in the corner of the room, half-naked and covered in my own spill, but Kai comes towards me, offering me a cloth to clean myself.

“This happens to everyone,” he tells me. “The first girl I – Never mind. Let us go somewhere more private.”

With swift efficiency, he helps me dress, then grips my wrist and leads me out to one of the unused huts, where we lie down together. I can see his eyes shine in the dark. He strokes my hair.

I can think of nothing to say, except – “Thank you.”

He shakes his head, and – holding himself in check – kisses me slowly. I feel the need and passion in his kiss, but … I don’t know what comes next.

“Shhh,” he says, as if he reads my thoughts. He rolls his hips against mine, still kissing me, and soon I’m aching for his touch once more.

He gives me what I need. His hand upon me feels like … I can’t describe it … How I’ve longed for this! I press my face into his neck. “Kai …”

“Arthur … please … will you touch me?”

The tremor in Kai’s voice fills me with sudden shame. I’ve been so selfish. But I was not sure my touch would be welcome.

Now I know … 

I have never touched another man’s prick – but then, I have never kissed a man before tonight. I keep my face buried in his hair, breathing in the comforting smells of wood smoke and horses, as I feel for his length. 

And what a length! And he is hard … for me. He wants me, too!

He jerks and shudders at my touch, and breathes, “Arthur …”

~~

Oh, Little Brother! What have you done to me?

I thought to show you the ways of the world, but now you may lead me by the heartstrings, and by the cock; lead me wherever you will.

I thought I knew who I was, but I am someone else entirely.

I hoped to live my life by your side, but now I want my life and yours to be one life.

I want to protect you, and, gods help me, I want to fuck you.

Is it wrong?

If so, then wrong is what I will have to be.

~~

“Kai?” I take courage; raise my head from his neck, and see his dark eyes look at me with desire I never thought to see … not for me.

He nudges into my hand. “Together,” he says. “Yours, and mine.”

We push each other’s breeches down, and then I wrap my hand around us both. The feel of him against me … Oh! My hips jerk, out of my control.

“Shhh … steady …” His hand covers mine, controlling our rhythm; keeping us in time. 

I no longer know nor care where one of us ends, and the other begins.

He caresses my face. “Yes … now we are one.” 

My throat tightens.

“Are you ready?”

I nod. 

His pace speeds, then he brushes his thumb over the heads of our pricks, and we both come, in spurts, clinging together, and I can hear Kai, sobbing.

My Kai is sobbing. “What is wrong? Did I do wrong?”

“It’s never been like this.” He shakes his head, smiling through his tears. “Never like this.”

He says no more; I hold him till we fall asleep, locked in each other’s arms. 

~~

**Author's Note:**

> First archived here, under the title, "Choices": 8 October 2010.  
> Revised: 3 April 2015.


End file.
